October 08, 2010
Here's a joke that I remembered today while at dialysis - one that was so funny the first time I heard it, I laughed so hard that I couldn't breathe:
Three guys were talking one morning about how drunk they were at the party they were at the night before.Sick? Yes. Tasteless? Absolutely. Funny as hell? Damn straight.
1st guy: Man, I was so drunk that last night I got home and blew chunks.
2nd guy: Oh yeah? Well, I was so drunk that on the way home I was pulled over and given a DUI!
3rd guy: That's nothing. I was so drunk that on the way home I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed!
1st guy: No, no.. you guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog.
October 17, 2009
Govt Healthcare PSA
Just cause it's fracking funny!!
July 30, 2009
A Thermos For You
My daughter and I were watching Steve Martin's first movie The Jerk on television recently and this song got stuck in my head:
Oh I'm picking out a thermos for youMy daughter had never heard of this movie before.....she was laughing her ass off at it.
not an ordinary thermos for you
but the extra best thermos you can buy
with vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in
I'm picking out a thermos for you
and maybe a barometer too
and what else can I buy
so on me you'll rely
a rear end thermometer too
It's nice to educate the young in the classics and watch them embrace them.....
October 01, 2008
The Front Fell Off
My wife sent this to my e-mail and I initially thought it was a complete professional spoof similar to Monty Python.
Check it out and definitely do NOT drink anything while watching it:
June 04, 2007
I wonder what the song would be if almost 1,700 bassists got together to blast one specific song. I'm thinking it would be 'Rock You Like a Hurricane'; when I first purchased by Fender P-Bass back in 1988 when I was in the Navy, my good friend who was teaching me the basics of music and playing once said to me You have to learn 'Rock You Like a Hurricane'.....ALL bass players know that one!!
KANSAS CITY, Kansas - More than 1,680 guitar players turned out, tuned up and took part in what organizers say was a world record rendition of Deep Purple's "Smoke on the Water" a song that was the first many of them ever learned.
Some came from as far away as California and Germany on Sunday to take part in a Kansas City radio station's effort to break a Guinness world record for the most people playing the same song simultaneously. The record had been 1,323 people playing the same song in Vancouver, British Columbia, in 1994.
"It was cool to see little kids playing, people who had been playing for their whole lives, like older people, and then I'm sure there were people like me who just picked up the song a couple days before," said Autumn McPherson, of Winfield, a senior at the University of Kansas.
Preliminary numbers show 1,683 people played the popular early '70s guitar riff on Sunday at CommunityAmerica Ballpark.
"I thought it was going to be kind of cheesy," said Hannah Koch, of Prairie Village, who came clad in an elf costume. "But after I got here, I got caught up in the excitement of it."
And so working off of the chords that he knew from the song, together we figured out how to play it on my bass. I didn't really know the notes or for that matter what key it was in, but I learned where on the fretboard to put my fingers. To this day (19 years later), it's still a cool song to 'jam' along with to warm up.
SLIGHTLY GOOFY SIDE NOTE: When I first saw this over at LGF, I was reminded of one of the most hilarious sketches from the show 'The Kids in the Hall'. The sketch was called 'Bobby & the Devil' where a kid jamming in his basement defeats Satan by playing....'Smoke on the Water':
Bruce: (Playing guitar) E, A, B. E, A, B, A. The rift Bruce is plying is none other than Deep Purple's song "Smoke On The Water."God, my wife and I would laugh our asses off watching that show.....and I'm talking laughing so hard that we'd almost asphyxiate ourselves. It's a complete shame that it's no longer produced.
March 30, 2007
If you're really interested in helping people, send some of that love my way.
I promise: if you help pay for the rest of my education, I promise I won't enlist in the military.
Honestly - while I most probably will not agree with Mr. Baldwin on political issues, I do admire his acting and wouldn't have a problem accepting his financial assistance. Even better: he could help out my daughter in preparing for college.
February 07, 2007
Every so often you encounter someone who is.....obsessed with a particular game.
Some people silently ask themselves just what is this person's problem!?! and then forget about it and get on with their lives.
Here's one German kid that spends way too much time on the computer and maybe needs some pharmaceutical help.
(P.S. - If you've seen this elsewhere then.....well, good for you.)
October 12, 2006
I never in my wildest dreams thought I'd be typing these words: 9/11 was a governmental plot.
October 10, 2006
It's a shame that they won't use this ad.....it actually makes sense.
September 01, 2006
All Your Bowflex Are Belong to Us
Normally, I loathe comment spam, but this one is funny because of the great care put into the wording of it:
Excellent design! has liked. Come to me on a visit. I shall be glad to all visitors;)Yes indeed - All Your Bowflex Are Belong to Us!!
GOOD LUCK. KISS
August 07, 2006
Well, I know someone will make a yuk-yuk out of it and it might as well start with me:
You know anybody who needs an "anti-stupid" pill?Ahem......okay, now if we can just get it into the Democratic National Convention's kool aid mix.....
BERLIN (Reuters) - A German scientist has been testing an "anti-stupidity" pill with encouraging results on mice and fruit flies, Bild newspaper reported Saturday.
It said Hans-Hilger Ropers, director at Max-Planck-Institute for Molecular Genetics in Berlin, has tested a pill thwarting hyperactivity in certain brain nerve cells, helping stabilize short-term memory and improve attentiveness.
"With mice and fruit flies we were able to eliminate the loss of short-term memory," Ropers, 62, is quoted saying in the German newspaper, which has dubbed it the "world's first anti-stupidity pill."
June 17, 2006
I've never heard of this guy before, but I'll be checking out his site(s) in the coming days: The Daily Gut
Here's one small snippet from the interview that basically 'says it all':
How would you rate Bushâs performance on 1) the war in Iraq, 2) immigration, 3) social issues (gay marriage, abortion, etc.)?(Hat tip to Right Wing News for providing the initial link)
1) The war: At a time when many of the Westâs leaders are racing to capitulate thousands of years of industrial and intellectual development to the worst medieval lunatics on earth, Bush has had the guts to finally DO something. But I guess supporters are just tired of having to do all the talking for him. Thatâs what is so infuriating. Even with a world press that essentially hates free enterprise, we should be able to get far better ink than we do. Hamas gets better press than the 82nd Airborne. Thatâs as much the State Departmentâs fault as it is Paul Krugmanâs or LeMonde.
June 01, 2006
Bewar of Drop Bears
UPDATE: Because this was so funny the first time around.....
I got something in my email this morning that made me laugh out loud - very loud.
Gotta love the wacky Aussies.However, the one that almost got me thrown out of the library cause I howled was this one:
These questions were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour:
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees (USA)UPDATE II: Comments are now enabled for this re-post.
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
May 20, 2006
Don't Tease the Lion
Not a good time to rely upon that shatterproof glass cage to save you...
UPDATE: I guess this qualifies for Cat Blogging Friday!
UPDATE II: I had to substitute this photo because it was being hotlinked by some assknobs here.
It took me a little while to find this post - I guess I initially did it on one of those days where there wasn't much to blog about......I'd usually look through the YahooNews photos to find something usually funny like this lion snearing at the man through the window.
May 14, 2006
Chris Muir answers that nagging question that most of us speak: Are these people THAT stupid to believe in conspiracies!?!
April 12, 2006
Die Hippies Die!
Something I found posted over at Linda's place.
Watch it or I'll have to venture forth and club some baby seals.
March 08, 2006
This is one of the many things that I really missed while I was in the hospital and stranded with no Internet:
Thanks again to xardoz for the Paypal link on 'Attack Cartoons'.....it really means a lot to see the support I'm getting from everyone.
March 05, 2006
Name That Movie!
Yogimus has a trivia question that I totally blew away in about 0.3 nanoseconds:
Name That movie!
I don't understand what happened to you two!
-Well, we used to be pussweeds, but now we're metal! Now get over here and put out!
Since I now have (at least) two screws in my noggin, I know exactly which movie it is:
Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey
My wife & I have been joking that I'm totally metal dude!! with the addition of this hardware
Now I just have to avoid making stupid jokes at the airport.....
December 29, 2005
Revenge of 'News You Can Use'
- If he's that irritating, maybe use some ointment?
- Tear it up on New Year's Eve Dick!
- Stop building crappy cars and this wouldn't be a problem, ya think?
- Kind of pissed that I didn't thins of doing this myself considering my financial situation....
- Got one additional punishment for this clown: make him work in customer service for Microsoft using a 286 computer...
- Yet another reason to give those 'peace-loving Palestinians' the benefit of being regarded as striving to live in peace with Israel
UPDATE: Especially after reading what his original target was going to be...
- Here's one less scumbag to take up space on California's Death Row. Now if only this could be the norm instead of the exception....
- A skateboard would work wonders to fix this *cough* problem
- Another stunning example of those 'freedom fighters' that SWWNBN admires....[/retching]
- Wait for the soon-to-come revelation that pins the fault for this all on President Bush...
- And this...
- This too (IMHO: this is severely FUBARed)
December 27, 2005
Nicely glommed from The Hungarian Barbarian
December 23, 2005
The Tookie Defense
John Bergstrom nails the 'Tookie is Innocent' coffin shut:
December 11, 2005
RIP Richard Pryor
Pioneering Comedian Richard Pryor DiesMy wife and I still quote Richard Pryor when he talked about seeing a dense gazelle being taken down by a cheetah while on a safari in Africa:
LOS ANGELES - Richard Pryor startled audiences with his foul-mouthed routines, but his universal and frequently personal insights propelled him into one of Hollywood's biggest stars.
The pioneering comedian, whose audacious style influenced generations of standup artists, died Saturday of a heart attack at age 65, said his business manager, Karen Finch. He had been ill for years with multiple sclerosis, a degenerative disease of the nervous system.
"By expressing his heart, anger and joy, Richard Pryor took comedy to its highest form," Steve Martin said.
A series of hit comedies and concert films in the '70s and '80s helped make Pryor one of Hollywood's highest paid stars, and he was one of the first black performers with enough leverage to cut his own deals. In 1983, he signed a $40 million, five-year contract with Columbia Pictures.
His films included "Stir Crazy," "Silver Streak," "Which Way Is Up?" and "Richard Pryor Live on the Sunset Strip."
Cheetah!Rest in Peace Richard - like most gifted people who brought humor and laughter to millions and enjoyed doing it, you will be missed.
What'd you say?!
December 02, 2005
I heard something similar on the radio this morning as I drove into work.
I'm sure this has been recycled numerous times since it's original inception, but it's still funny as it really does indeed reflect the psychosis brought on by trying to be politically correct in this day & age.
It's also another positive affirmation in my desire to get a degree in engineering and to not work in such positions as this one.
December 1 Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will be held on December 23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band will play traditional carols...feel free to sing-along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree.
Exchanging gifts among employees can be done at this time. Please remember to keep gifts to the agreed $10 limit.
Merry Christmas to you and yours.
December 2 Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday and often coincides with Christmas (although not this year). However, from now on we're calling this party our Holiday Party. The same policy also applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no tree or Christmas carols sung.
Happy holidays to you and yours.
December 3 Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate your request but please remember that if I put a sign on the table that reads "AA Only" you won't be anonymous any more.
In addition, we'll no longer be having a gift exchange because union members feel that $10 is too much money.
December 7 Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December 2 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of year does not ccommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party the days are so short this time of year or else package everything for takehome in little foil swans. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I have arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest away from the dessert table and for pregnant members to sit closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with gays; each group will have its own table. And, yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.
December 8 Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party
So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you expect me to do, a tapdance on your heads? Fire regulations at Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earthbased Goddessworshipping" employees, but we'll try to accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the band's breaks. Okay???
December 9 Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party
People! People! Nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus. Even if the anagram for "Santa" does happen to be "Satan." There is no evil connation to our own little "man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten up?
December 10 Memo
FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party
Vegetarians! I've had it with you people. We're holding this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it or not. You can just sit at the table farthest from the "Grill of Death" as you call it, and you'll get salad bar only including hydroponics tomatoes. Tomatoes have feelings too, you know. They scream when you slice them. I can hear them now. I hope you have a rotten holiday. Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
December 14 Memo
FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime management has decided to cancel the Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
We hope that this change does not offend anyone.
Terri Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
November 17, 2005
Preperation for Thanksgiving
This makes me look forward to Thanksgiving next week.....enjoy!
Mmmmmmm....turkey with gravy.....ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh!!!
October 23, 2005
Regardless, it's still funny and concise:
For those of you who don't like Dennis Miller, who is not Jewish, you may want to re-consider, as this is one of the most brilliant things he has ever done. For those who don't know, Dennis Miller is a comedian who had a show called Dennis Miller Live on HBO. He is not Jewish. He recently said the following about the Mid-East situation:
"A brief overview of the situation is always valuable, so as a service to all Americans who still don't get it, I now offer you the story of the Middle East in just a few paragraphs, which is all you really need.
Here we go: The Palestinians want their own country. There's just one thing about that: there are no Palestinians. It's a made up word. Israel was called Palestine for two thousand years. Like 'Wiccan,' 'Palestinian' sounds ancient but is really a modern invention. Before the Israelis won the land in the 1967 war, Gaza was owned by Egypt, the West Bank was owned by Jordan, and there were no 'Palestinians.'
As soon as the Jews took over and started growing oranges as big as basketballs, what do you know, say hello to the 'Palestinians,' weeping for their deep bond with their lost 'land' and 'nation.'
So for the sake of honesty, let's not use the word 'Palestinian' any more to describe these delightful folks, who dance for joy at our deaths until someone points out they're being taped. Instead, let's call them what they are: 'Other Arabs Who Can't Accomplish Anything In Life And Would Rather Wrap Themselves In The Seductive Melodrama Of Eternal Struggle And Death.' I know that's a bit unwieldy to expect to see on CNN. How about this, then: 'Adjacent Jew-Haters.'
Okay, so the Adjacent Jew-Haters want their own country. Oops, just one more thing. No, they don't. They could've had their own country any time in the last thirty years, especially two years ago at Camp David. But if you have your own country, you have to have traffic lights and garbage trucks and Chambers of Commerce, and, worse, you actually have to figure out some way to make a living. That's no fun. No, they want what all the other Jew-Haters in the region want: Israel. They also want a big pile of dead Jews, of course --that's where the real fun is -- but mostly they want Israel. Why? For one thing, trying to destroy Israel - or "The Zionist Entity" as their textbooks call it -- for the last fifty years has allowed the rulers of Arab countries to divert the attention of their own people away from the fact that they're the blue-r ibbon most illiterate, poorest, and tribally backward on God's Earth, and if you've ever been around God's Earth, you know that's really saying something.
It makes me roll my eyes every time one of our pundits waxes poetic about the great history and culture of the Muslim Mid-East. Unless I'm missing something, the Arabs haven't given anything to the world since Algebra, and, by the way, thanks a hell of a lot for that one.
Chew this around and spit it out: Five hundred million Arabs; five Million Jews. Think of all the Arab countries as a football field, and Israel as a pack of matches sitting in the middle of it. And now these same folks swear that if Israel gives them half of that pack of matches, everyone will be pals. Really? Wow, what neat news. Hey, but what about the string of wars to obliterate the tiny country and the constant din of rabid blood oaths to drive every Jew into the sea? Oh, that? We were just kidding.
My friend Kevin Rooney made a gorgeous point the other day: Just reverse the numbers. Imagine five hundred million Jews and five million Arabs. I was stunned at the simple brilliance of it. Can anyone picture the Jews strapping belts of razor blades and dynamite to themselves? Of course not. Or marshaling every fiber and force at their disposal for generations to drive a tiny Arab State into the sea? Nonsense. Or dancing for joy at the murder of innocents? Impossible. Or spreading and believing horrible lies about the Arabs baking their bread with the blood of children? Disgusting.
No, as you know, left to themselves in a world of peace, the worst Jews would ever do to people is debate them to death.
Mr. Bush, God bless him, is walking a tightrope. I understand that with vital operations in Iraq and others, it's in our interest, as Americans, to try to stabilize our Arab allies as much as possible, and, after all, that can't be much harder than stabilizing a roomful of super models who just had their drugs taken away.
However, in any big-picture strategy, there's always a danger of losing moral weight. We've already lost some. After September 11th our president told us and the world he was going to root out all terrorists and the countries that supported them. Beautiful. Then the Israelis, after months and months of having the equivalent of an Oklahoma City every week (and then every day) starts to do the same thing we did, and we tell them to show restraint.
If America were being attacked with an Oklahoma City every day, we would all very shortly be screaming for the administration to just be done with it and kill everything south of the Mediterranean and east of the Jordan.
Mr. Hollister: Just how obscene an amount of cash are we talking about here? Profane or really offensive?
Edward Lewis: Really offensive.
Mr. Hollister: I like him so much.
October 06, 2005
Somthing that I just saw in the latest issue of The California Review - the UCSD Republican newspaper.
This is one of the best interviews between a NPR broadcaster and USMC General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation:I was reading this while sitting in the back of a lecture hall just before class. I couldn't help but howl with laughter so hard that pretty much everyone in the hall - all 150 of them - turned to see who was laughing their ass off.
NPR: So General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach thosee young boys when they visit your base?
Reinwald: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
NPR: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
Reinwald: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
NPR: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
Reinwald: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
NPR: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
Reinwald: Well, Ma'am, you're quipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview was over.
I just love to share funny stuff with people around me....
(If this is something that's an urban legend and you're itching to point it out to me - jam it. It's still hilarious.)
ADDENDUM: Of course - it's an urban legend. It's still funny though...
October 05, 2005
** Yeah, I know this has been circulating around for years....but it's still hilarious!! **
From "Actual" performance evaluations!
These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations throughout the U.S. Hopefully, none of us will be seeing similar ones on ours.
- Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not allow this employee to breed.
- This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.
- He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.
- He's got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
- A gross ignoramus - - - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
- He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
- He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
- I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
- He's been working with glue too much.
- He would argue with a signpost.
- He has a knack for making strangers immediately.
- He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
- When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
- If you see two people talking, and one looks bored, he's the other one.
- A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
- A prime candidate for Natural de-Selection.
- Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
- Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
- Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
- If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
- If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
- If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.
- It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
- One neuron short of a Synapse.
- Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
- Takes him 1.5 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
- The wheel is still turning, but the hamster is dead
October 01, 2005
I know this has been around for quite a few years, but it's still funny.
I was reminded of this yesterday afternoon during dialysis. I couldn't sleep for some reason and was watching the only thing interesting on the television: Cops. Half way through the episode I was watching, I was reminded of this parody and thought I'd download it from here.
September 29, 2005
Just Hold It....
This is something that got e-mailed to me today and I think it's funny.
If you're ever-so-slightly offended by jokes about male vs. female, then don't read it.
You have been warned.
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear..."You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT?"
I then said "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.
September 23, 2005
News You Can Use, Part Dos Y Medio
Because you know you cannot live without it....
- More 'freedom fighters' at work defending Iraqis from evil Americans
- And here's another indicator that today's generation of college students will end up as assistant Night Manager at Wendy's...
- I'm so glad that this question was finally answered - I was loosing lots of sleep over it.
- Palestinians on track to creating a prosperous state with ideas like this one.
- It's nice to see that when members shell out union dues that they're used properly.
- 'Old Europe' reinforces its new name with backboned policies like this
- Now this is something that we've known about for a long time.
- Another nugget of information that is useless except for about 16 people in Hollywood....
September 22, 2005
Sam Kinison Says....
I was cruising through my Archives looking for an old photo and I came across these words of wisdom from the late Sam Kinison
Rest in Peace Sam....you're missed by many people on this Earth that you tickled with your humor.
Note to Self: Must ask for Sam Kinison CDs for birthday and Christmas....
September 19, 2005
Attack Cartoons Return
Attack Cartoons - Copyright 2005 John Bergstrom. All Rights Reserved, Jack.
John Bergstrom's Attack Cartoons are back. This guy has me almost puking from laughing so hard!!
John, you have been soorrrreeeelllllyyyyy missed around here. Great to see you back in the saddle again!
August 30, 2005
There's nothing 'interesting' to me in the news that's worthy of blogging about, so I'm falling back on a trusted stand-by: humor.
I was reminding one of my old professors at SWC about some of the important first impressions she had to make on her students this semester from the following list.
50 Fun Things for Professors to Do on the First Day of Class
- Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
- After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.
- After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"
- Wear a pointed Kaiser helmet and a monocle and carry a riding crop.
- Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"
- Deliver your lecture through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The Professor can't hear you, you'll have to ask *me*, Winky Willy".
- If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?"
- Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times in your grade book while muttering "tsk, tsk".
- Ask students to call you "Tinkerbell" or "Surfin' Bird".
- Stop in mid-lecture, frown for a moment, and then ask the class whether your butt looks fat.
- Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.
- Show a video on medieval torture implements to your calculus class. Giggle throughout it.
- Announce "you'll need this", and write the suicide prevention hotline number on the board.
- Wear mirrored sunglasses and speak only in Turkish. Ignore all questions.
- Start the lecture by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex Machine."
- Ask occassional questions, but mutter "as if you gibbering simps would know" and move on before anyone can answer.
- Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.
- Have one of your graduate students sprinkle flower petals ahead of you as you pace back and forth.
- Address students as "worm".
- Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam. Imply that this could happen at any moment.
- Turn off the lights, play a tape of crickets chirping, and begin singing spirituals.
- Ask for a volunteer for a demonstration. Ask them to fill out a waiver as you put on a lead apron and light a blowtorch.
- Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.
- Begin class by smashing the neck off a bottle of vodka, and announce that the lecture's over when the bottle's done.
- Have a band waiting in the corner of the room. When anyone asks a question, have the band start playing and sing an Elvis song.
- Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.
- Wear a "virtual reality" helmet and strange gloves. When someone asks a question, turn in their direction and make throttling motions with your hands.
- Mention in passing that you're wearing rubber underwear.
- Growl constantly and address students as "matey".
- Devote your math lecture to free verse about your favorite numbers and ask students to "sit back and groove".
- Announce that last year's students have almost finished their class projects.
- Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran and code all their essays. Deliver a lecture on output format statements.
- Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll be, McGee?"
- Wear a feather boa and ask students to call you "Snuggles".
- Tell your math students that they must do all their work in a base 11 number system. Use a complicated symbol you've named after yourself in place of the number 10 and threaten to fail students who don't use it.
- Claim to be a chicken. Squat, cluck, and produce eggs at irregular intervals.
- Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.
- Have a grad student in a black beret pluck at a bass while you lecture.
- Sprint from the room in a panic if you hear sirens outside.
- Give an opening monologue. Take two minute "commercial breaks" every ten minutes.
- Tell students that you'll fail them if they cheat on exams or "fake the funk".
- Announce that you need to deliver two lectures that day, and deliver them in rapid-fire auctioneer style.
- Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lecture to oral hygiene.
- Announce that the entire 32-volume Encyclopedia Britannica will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for next class.
- Ask students to list their favorite showtunes on a signup sheet. Criticize their choices and make notes in your grade book.
- Sneeze on students in the front row and wipe your nose on your tie.
- Warn students that they should bring a sack lunch to exams.
- Refer frequently to students who died while taking your class.
- Show up to lecture in a ventilated clean suit. Advise students to keep their distance for their own safety and mutter something about "that bug I picked up in the field".
- Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, "Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN'T HEEEEEEAR YOU!"
August 24, 2005
Something I picked up on over at Yogi's site:
August 22, 2005
Team America: F*ck Yeah!
My wife bought me my own personal copy of Team America: World Police; it's still funny as hell!!
If you haven't seen it yet, rent the DVD and invite some friends over - just make sure that they're not left-of-center or if they are, make sure they can laugh at themselve to some extent.
Debbie Shlussel (a new find on my part) posted about the movie and how it annoyed a lot of Hollywood last fall.
Stone and Parker get it right. While they make fun of the government and how it conducts the War on Terror, their message is clear: Regardless of our faults, the terrorists are real bad guys, not us. That's something Hollywood and the left don't get. Stone and Parker have a field day with the self-hatred amongst that slice of so-called Americans.What I liked about her post was that apparently Sean Penn was quite put out about his portrayal in the movie:
"I'm sick of hearing actors talk about s--t they don't know about," Stone says. "And we've been on the 'bash Michael Moore' bandwagon for a long time." âItâs fine and good for everyone to hate us (Americans) and think weâre (jerks), but there is a big difference between (jerks) and (psychos)â like Osama Bin Laden, Parker said.
Finally somebodyâs teaching Hollywood the difference.
October 6, 2004As Bugs Bunny would say: What a maroon!
I remember a cordial hello when you guys were beginning to be famous guys around Hollywood at some party. I remember several times getting a few giggles out of your humor. I remember not being bothered as you traded on my name among others to appear witty, above it all, and likeable to your crowd. I never mind being of service, in satire and silliness.
I do mind when anybody who doesn't have a child, doesn't have a child at war, or isn't or won't be in harm's way themselves, is encouraging that there's "no shame in not voting" "if you don't know what you're talking about" (Mr. Stone) without mentioning the shame of not knowing what your talking about, and encouraging people to know. You guys are talented young guys but alas, primarily young guys. It's all well to joke about me or whomever you choose. Not so well, to encourage irresponsibility that will ultimately lead to the disembowelment, mutilation, exploitation, and death of innocent people throughout the world. The vote matters to them. No one's ignorance, indcluding a couple of hip cross-dressers, is an excuse.
All best, and a sincere fuck you,
P.S. Take this as a personal invitation from me to you (you can ask Dennis Miller along for the ride as well) to escort you on a trip, which I took last Christmas. We'll fly to Amman, Jordan and I'll ride with you in a (?) 12 hours through the Sunni Triangle into Fallujah and Baghdad and I'll show you around. When we return, make all the fun you want.
I loved how he was devoured by 'panthers' in the movie. As a matter of fact, I loved out ALL of the Hollywood celebs were 'offed', although the monicker of 'Hollywood Celeb' doesn't really apply to Janeane Garafalo; while IMO she doesn't rate being 'Hollywood-esque', she does die quite nicely in Team America...some of her best acting yet.
August 06, 2005
Very Short Books
The List of Very Short Books
- A Guide to Arab Democracies
- A Journey through the Mind of Dennis Rodman
- Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
- Career Opportunities for History Majors
- Contraception by Pope John Paul II
- Detroit - A Travel Guide
- Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
- Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
- Easy UNIX
- Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
- Everything Men Know About Wome
- French Hospitality
- Bob Dole: The Wild Years
- How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
- Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
- Spotted Owl Recipes by PETA
- Popular Lawyers
- Leftist Logic Explained
- Staple Your Way to Success
- The Amish Phone Book
July 19, 2005
Word up yo!
Ebonics be back in bidnessTru dat yo...
Ebonics, a dialect of American English spoken by many blacks, was recognized as a separate language by the Oakland, Calif., school board in 1996.
"For many of these students Ebonics is their language, and it should be considered a foreign language. These students should be taught like other students who speak a foreign language."
Texeira acknowledged there are African Americans who disagree with her.
"They say that [black students] are lazy and that they need to learn to talk," she said.
July 18, 2005
Something I just received in my Inbox....
If you consider that there have been an average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theater of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of about 2,000 deaths, that gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000.
The rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000.
That means that you are about 25% more likely to be shot and killed in our Nation's Capitol, which has some of the strictest gun control laws in the nation, than you are in Iraq.
Conclusion: We should immediately pull out of Washington D.C.
July 09, 2005
You know that a story/continued myth is about as interesting as watching paint dry when it is highlighted by ScrappleFace:
Jailed Journalist Reports NY Times Desecration
by Scott Ott
(2005-07-09) -- Law enforcement authorities in major U.S. cities put riot police on high alert today after recently-jailed journalist Judith Miller complained that prison guards had desecrated her copy of The New York Times.
"We know that journalists worship the Times," said one deputy police chief, "If they take to the streets in protest, things could get ugly fast."
Ms. Miller, who works for the Times' counter-intelligence department, told an unnamed visitor that her copy of the revered 'Gray Lady' had been carelessly tossed on the floor, handled by a conservative Republican jailer (who she called 'an infidel') and may have been used as a lining for a cat's litter box.
"They did everything but flush it down the toilet," she said. "They have no respect for the 'paper of record', may it publish forever, nor for the wise and powerful ones who create this daily miracle."
Wednesday, a judge sentenced Ms. Miller to jail for obstructing a federal investigation into who leaked the identity of a covert CIA operative, Valerie Plame, who also posed for pictures in a top-secret issue of Vanity Fair magazine.
June 06, 2005
This photo reminds me of the old joke "Why do gorillas have big nostrils?"
May 20, 2005
Team America - F*ck Yeah!
The wife rented Team America: World Police and we'll be watching it tonight since everything good on the Sci Fi Channel is in repeat mode.
I saw it when it hit the theaters, but by my wife hasn't seen it. Considering how long I've been married to her, I know she'll be asphyxiating herself laughing.
John Hawkins at Right Wing News as the The 10 Best Quotes From "Team America: World Police":
-- Susan Sarandon: [bound up with rope, sitting on a small bench] Oh thank God. We have to stop the ceremony! Kim Jong Il is mad! Here, let me loose. I'll show you where the theater is!
Chris: All right.
Gary: No! Chris! Stay away from her!
Chris: F*ck you, she wants to help us!
Gary: No, Chris. She's acting.
Susan: I am not. The others tied me up because I wouldn't go with their plan.
Gary: Your skills are fading with age, Ms. Sarandon.
Susan: [her facial expression darkens] You shall die a peasant's death! [bends down and breaks out of the rope that bound her and whips out and begins firing semiautomatics at Gary and Chris. Gary quickly fires back and keeps the bullets coming as he backs her up against a balcony. She tumbles over it and falls to the ground at the main palace entrance. Her body parts splatter all over the place. Chris and Gary walk up to the balcony and look over and down]
-- Hans Blix: I'm sorry, but the UN must be firm with you! Let' me see your whole palace, or else!
Kim Jung-Il: Or else, what?
Hans Blix: Or else we will be very, very angry with you, and we will write you a letter telling you how angry we are.
May 13, 2005
Collaborator's Death Bunny
Ugh! I knew - Jane not only hob-nobbed with commies in North Vietnam, she's also in possession of an Iraqi Death Bunny™!
Where the f&%k is Hans Blix when you need him!?!
May 11, 2005
Insults with Care in Them
Best drop-dead Hiroshima insult line from a recent movie - this case 'Blade: Trinity'
Hannibal King (Ryan Reynolds), who is a former vampire is captured by vampires from his old 'clan' and is confronted by his former mentor Danica Talos (Parker Posey).
Danica threatens to re-make him a vampire and leave a little firl in the room with him until he succumbs to the thirst for blood - obviously a ploy to get him to reveal information about his friends.
His most excellent retort that I've heard in a long time delivered in a thundering voice that conveys metric tons of contempt: 'You cock juggling thunder-cunt!'
I almost coughed up a lung cause I was laughing so hard....
May 06, 2005
Bush = Hitler! - A Primer
Bu$hitler/ a PrimerIt's so fun to see this explained such that a child could understand it. Pity that it won't make a dent in the 'Bush = Hitler!' jugernaut that is the wacky left....
All this talk about Bush being exactly like Hitler has gotten me thinking. Some of these are just mind blowing.
Just to start BUSH (43rd president of the United States) and Hilter (Fuhrer of Germany, and mass murderer):
- Hitler held these awesome rallies in Nuremberg, and was a charismatic speaker. Bush, not so much. Ok, not so similar there.
- Hitler began his career in the "German Workers Party" which became the National SOCIALIST Workers Party. I feel pretty certain Bush never belong to any socialist organizations. Socialite, perhaps. Socialist? Never. But this one kinda has me confused ... because Hitler started out as a socialist, and ended up being a Fascist. Bush started out as a Socialite, and ended up as Republican ( who is called a fascist). Coincidence? I think not.
- Hitler's Minister of Information (Goebbels) controlled all media and education. To think that there is any Government control of media and/or education in the US, well, you'd have had to have a public school education. Which, I believe, is part of the problem.
- Nuremberg Laws versus the "Patriot Act". Something to think about. I mean, sure, the Nuremberg laws started out by taking away Jew's citizenship,and banning them from marrying non-jews. Eventually, they had to wear yellow stars on their coats, couldn't work, couldn't go to school or ride a bus, and finally were corralled into concentration camps to met a horrible death. The Patriot act may start with the aim of finding and persecuting terrorist, but who knows where it might end.
- Hitler killed Jews, Gypsies, Homosexuals, and the mentally ill as part of his "final solution." Bush is against gay marriage. EXACTLY THE SAME!
- Hitler was ultimately responsible for the death of 12 MILLION innocent people in his concentration camps. Bush has imprisoned terrorists in Gitmo. Some have even been interrogated by SEXY FEMALES (edit - reference to this story). Oh, the horror.
May 01, 2005
Air America Filter
It isn't any plainer than this....
(politely glommed from Chris Muir's 'Day by Day')
April 25, 2005
Things that make you go HUH!?
Just got this from my gal pal Stevie and it's hilarious!!
Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about:
- Can you cry under water?
- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
- If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
- Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
- Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
- Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
- What disease did cured ham actually have?
- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
- If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
- Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
- How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
- Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
- If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
- Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"
- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
- Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
- When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
- If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
- Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
- What do you call male ballerinas?
- Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?
- If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
- Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
- Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
- Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
- Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
- Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
April 19, 2005
Ted Saves the Meat
Ted Nugent Slays Burglar At Houston McDonalds
HOUSTON (IFOC) - Rock legend Ted Nugent was held without charges today in Houston after he was seen shooting a man in a burglar's mask and striped pajamas at McDonalds.
"Ted was eating a hamburger and I wanted to get his autograph," said local auto supply store manager Charles Kuff. "All of the sudden, this weird guy in a mask shouts 'Robble Robble' and grabs his hamburger. That's when Ted pulled out a gun and shot him."
Nugent was in town to speak at the National Rifle Association Convention to promote gun ownership rights and campaign for increased membership among responsible gun owners. At a press conference after the shootingm Nugent was characteristically unrepentant for his actions.
"Remember the Alamo! Shoot 'em!" he screamed to applause. "To show you how radical I am, I want carjackers dead. I want rapists dead. I want burglars dead. I want child molesters dead. I want the bad guys dead. No court case. No parole. No early release. I want 'em dead. Get a gun and when they attack you, shoot 'em."
Because of Houston's lenient self-defense laws, Nugent has not been charged with any crime at this time according the District Attorney's Office. Furthermore, the slain baby-faced burglar has yet to be identified by Houston's Crime Lab, but a spokesman for the lab says they might have a good guess by mid-2007.
"We think it might be the elusive Ronald McDonald," said spokesman Bob Hardesty. "We've been looking for him for a long time."
April 13, 2005
Another chunk of humor for this slightly cold Wednesday morning.
Please, save the you male chauvinistic pig!! comments - it's humor.
It's great to be a man:
- Your last name stays put.
- The garage is all yours.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can be president.
- You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.
- The world is your urinal.
- You never have to drive to another gas station because oneâs just too icky.
- Same work...more pay.
- Wrinkles add character.
- Wedding Dress $5,000; Tux rental $100.
- People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
- One mood - ALL the time.
- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- You know stuff about tanks.
- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- You can open all your own jars.
- You can leave the motel bed unmade.
- You can kill your own food.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
- Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
- You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
- You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a gift.
- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong friends.
- You are not expected to know the names of more than colors.
- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
- You almost never have strap problems in public.
- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- You don't have to shave below your neck.
- One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
- You can do your nails with a pocketknife.
- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
- Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
IT'S BETTER TO BE A WOMAN
- We got off the Titanic first.
- We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses.
- Taxis stop for us.
- We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
- No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
- We don't have to pass wind to amuse ourselves.
- If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
- We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her bottom.
- We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
- We have the ability to dress ourselves.
- We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
- If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
- There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
- We'll never regret piercing our ears.
- We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
- We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening anyway.
April 12, 2005
Because I just thought this was fracking funny...
50 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator
- Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
- Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
- Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
- Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
- Sell Girl Scout cookies.
- On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
- Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
- Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
- Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
- When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
- Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
- Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
- One word: Flatulence!
- On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
- Do Tai Chi exercises.
- Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
- When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
- Give religious tracts to each passenger.
- Meow occassionally.
- Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
- Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
- Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
- Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
- Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
- Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
- Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
- Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
- Leave a box between the doors.
- Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
- Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
- Start a sing-along.
- When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
- Play the harmonica.
- Shadow box.
- Say "Ding!" at each floor.
- Lean against the button panel.
- Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
- Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
- Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
- Bring a chair along.
- Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
- Blow spit bubbles.
- Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
- Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
- Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
- Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
- Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
- Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
- If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
April 04, 2005
Sam and the Pope
I've written about Sam Kinison before, but was reminded of him when I thought about what the Pope had done for the world.
Sam Kinison and the Pope you say?
Yup. Sam had this bit about how the Pope came down on gay people in San Francisco when he visted in the 80s:
This group of gays came to visit the Pope. They brought along all these people suffering from AIDS and asked Can we be saved? and the Pope said No. Next!Anyway, I thought I'd post a snippet of Sam back when he was just hitting it big in comedy.
March 23, 2005
Mariah Carrey, Glitter condemed by
United Nations, Amnesty International.
SJP spotted over Newfoundland trailing smoke
from engines, denies 'in-flight incident'.
Kutch knocked up Demi,
stuck with her and Bruce Willis now.
Ashlee banging out silly show on MTV,
no one notices.
Nicole shopping for a new husband,
Tom still going after Penelope Cruz.
March 17, 2005
March 09, 2005
Things to ponder while waiting at the dentist's office:
- If you spin an Oriental around several times, does he become disoriented?
- If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"?
- Why do we say something 'is out of whack'? What's a whack?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- If a pig loses its cool, is it disgruntled?
- Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
- Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
- When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
- Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist?
- Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
- Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
- Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them. But if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you have to touch it to be sure?
- Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
- What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
- I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.
- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mail men could look for them while they delivered the mail?
- How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
- If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
- No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
- Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
- Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.
- If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
- If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
March 07, 2005
We know that the current state of affairs in our great nation have many civilians up in arms and excited to join the military. For those of you who can't join, you can still lend a hand. Here are a few of the areas we would like your assistance with:
- The next time you see an adult talking during the playing of the National Anthem .... kick their ass.
- When you witness first hand someone burning the American Flag in protest .... kick their ass.
- Regardless of the rank they held while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see someone doing otherwise quietly pull them aside and explain how these Veterans fought for the very freedom they bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices these veterans made to make this Nation great. Then hold them down while a Disabled Veteran kicks their ass.
- If you were never in the military, DO NOT pretend that you were. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDU's), telling others that you used to be Special Forces and collecting GI Joe memorabilia, might have been okay if you were still seven. Now, it will only make you look stupid and get your ass kicked.
- If you witness someone calling an enlisted Marine "Sir", stand back .... a Marine will kick their ass.
- Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do you fly a jet?". Not everyone in the Air Force is a pilot. Such ignorance deserves an ass kicking (children are exempt).
- Roseanne Barr's singing the National Anthem is not a blooper .... it is a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh, and sooner or later your ass will be kicked.
- Next time Old Glory prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her by placing your hand over your heart. Quietly thank the military member or veteran lucky enough to be carrying her .... of course, failure to do either of these could earn you a severe ass kicking.
- What Jane Fonda did during the Vietnam War makes her the enemy. The proper word to describe her is traitor. Just mention her nomination for Woman of the Year, and get your ass kicked.
- Do not try to discuss politics with a military member or a veteran. We are Americans and we all bleed the same regardless of our part of affiliation. Our Chain of Command, is to include our Commander-in-Chief. The President (for those who didn't know) is our CIC regardless of political party. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those representatives meet. All we know is that when those civilian representatives screw up the situation, they call on the military to go straighten it out. The military member might direct you to Oliver North. (I can see him kicking your ass already.)
- "Your Mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me .... stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely be a vet and probably kick your ass!
- Bin Laden and the Taliban are not Communists, so stop saying "Let's go kill those Commies!!! And stop asking us where he is!!!! Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me .... if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers; let me know, so I can go kick their ass.
- Bus Driver, Jar Head, Grunt, Swabbie, Squid, etc., are terms of endearment we use describing each other. Unless you are a service member or vet, you have not earned the right to use them and could get your ass kicked.
- Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of the military, support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and religious holiday that you enjoy with your family and friends please remember that there are literally thousands of troops overseas wishing they could be with their families.
- Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they make every day. Without them, our country would get its ass kicked.
March 02, 2005
I'd back this if I got a kidney out of it......
BTW, does anyone know what has happened to John Bergstrom and his hilarious cartoons? I've looked all around but cannot find anything 'new'.
February 28, 2005
A book you'll never see:
(From Bob from Accounting)
It's just as good as the 'List of Children's Books Never to be Published':
- "You Were an Accident"
- "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
- "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
- "Some Kittens Can Fly!"
- "Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
- "Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
- "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
- "The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of Western Eur- Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
- "All Dogs Go to Hell"
- "The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
- "You Are Different and That's Bad"
- "Dad's New Wife Timothy"
- "Pop! Goes the Hamster....and Other Great Microwave Games"
- "Testing Homemade Parachutes Using Only Your Household Pets"
- "The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad"
- "Babar Meets the Taxidermist"
- "Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence"
- "The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables"
- "Start a Real-Estate Empire with the Change from Your Mom's Purse"
- "The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy"
- "Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will"
- "The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead"
- "How to Become the Dominant Military Power in Your Elementary School"
- "Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
- "When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer, They Say God Did It"
- "Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
- "What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
- "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
- "Bi-Curious George"
- "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
- "Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"
February 23, 2005
Karl Rove: Evil Genius
Democrat congressman Maurice Hinchey, speaking on CNN, persists with the idea that Karl Rove devised the fake Rathergate memos:
It doesn’t take an awful lot of imagination if you’re thinking about who it is that might have produced these false documents to try to mislead people in this very cynical way. It would take someone very brilliant, very cynical, very Machiavellian, and it doesn’t take a lot of imagination to come up with the name of Karl Rove as a possibility of having done that.Is Karl Rove truly that brilliant? Using contemporaneous reports and several eye-witness sources, this site is able to reconstruct the events of last August at Evil Rove Headquarters, located many miles beneath the earthâs surface:
(Rove enters the Chamber of Destruction and greets his assembled operatives)
Rove: Gentlemen. Ladies. Mr. Gannon. Mr. Murdoch.
(Various responses: “Hiya!” “Howdy.” “G’day.")
Rove: People, you have done good work. You have tirelessly attempted to undermine John Kerryâs bid for the presidency. And yet the latest polling shows that Kerry may still win.
(Murmured complaints: “Dang!” “This is soooo not happening.” “Canât compete with a Magic Hat.")
Rove: Silence! I cannot tell you how much this disappoints and angers me.
(An assistant appears at Roveâs side with a baseball bat. He is waved away)
Rove: But now is not the time for fault-finding, or skull-crushing. Now is the time for action. Serious action. In fact, the most serious action it is possible for us to undertake.
Murdoch: You donât mean ... ?
Rove: Yes. It is time for us to deploy the Doomsday Device.
(Several reel from the table in shock; two are ill)
Rove: Mr. Gannon, please fetch the Device. And put some pants on, for Godâs sake.
Gannon: Y-yes sir. Right away, Mr. Karl, sir.
(Gannon exits the room; the anxious conspirators listen as the sound of several vaults being sequentially opened echoes throughout the Chamber. Presently Gannon returns, carrying a briefcase)
Rove: Open it.
(Gannon enters the security code—DAILYKOS—and the briefcase springs ajar. Looking away in fear and torment, he nudges the briefcase towards Rove)
Rove: And now it is time. Time to unveil our most hideous, most perfect plan. (Rove grips the briefcase with both hands) Do you people truly know of the evil that man can attain? Do you know of the Dark Lordâs majesty? Do you know of a terror so sublime that any lesser atrocity—Salem; the Holocaust; our coming assassination and cannibalism of the Pope—will from this point on make you giggle like little girls? Behold!
(Rove removes from the briefcase several sheets of paper. He studies them intently; every eye in the room is trained upon him. Finally, Rove speaks ...)
Rove: This is the frickinâ Doomsday Device? A bunch of bogus National Guard memos? What the hell?
Clarence Thomas: Well, what we thought weâd do, see, was hand these over to the media and ...
Rove: Oh, come on! These are dated 1972 but theyâre in Microsoft Word! Hellloooo! You think anybody in their right mind will fall for these? Oh, look here; you havenât even changed the default settings! Why, I could type these up at home!
Ann Coulter: With respect, sir, the plan was to ...
Rove: Plan? Plan? Listen, legs, this plan wouldnât fool a Kennedy! Or a crack-addicted homeless person! This so-called plan wouldnât rate a segment on Air America! This plan Iâm looking at wouldnât be posted at Democratic goddamn Underground! This half-assed, retard plan isnât worth the ...
Hugh Hewitt: Actually, we were thinking of giving the memos to Dan Rather.
February 02, 2005
Building on a Farce
Captive U.S. Soldier Doll Rescued by Bush DollI have a feeling that the Associated Press will never live this down....
by Scott Ott
(2005-02-01) -- Just hours after Islamic militants in Iraq threatened to behead a kidnapped U.S. soldier doll, the camouflaged action figure was rescued in a daring nighttime operation by a toy George W. Bush action figure.
The nine-inch-tall replica of the president left Andrews Air Force Base in a scale model of Air Force One within minutes after the Pentagon learned of the kidnapping from a picture on an Islamic website.
The top-secret flight was reminiscent of the life-size president's Thanksgiving visit to Baghdad in 2003. During the long trip, the presidential doll was programmed to say intimidating things in Arabic, and reportedly spent several hours practicing his kung-fu grip.
Even as the mission was secretly under way, Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, D-MA, went before the Senate to call for the immediate withdrawal of 12,000 military action figures from Iraq.
Upon hearing of the Bush doll's successful mission, Sen. John Kerry, D-MA, warned against "overhyping" the significance of the apparently heroic deed.
Groundhog Day Nightmare
Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his burrow today as onlookers waited anxiously to see what Phil's prediction would be: early spring or more winter.
Just as Phil was about to make his pronouncement, the crowd was stunned as they watched Phil explode.
Emergency rescue crews were on-hand to assist the injured people in the crowd, most of whom were overcome by Phil's fur.
Punxsutawney Chief of Police Fred B. Fokker was quoted as saying that this was probably the work of Iraqi insurgents.
House Democratic Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) issued a statement immediately after the attack saying that "this was a clear indication that the U.S. should commence a troop withdrawal from Iraq". Her statement was echoed by Massachusetts Senator Edward Kennedy who mumbled something about "fur....quagmire....fur quagmire" and the need for a national fur-removal system.
The White House has issued no formal statement as yet on this latest crisis, but insiders were noted as saying "there sure was a LOT of fur in that crowd..."
January 27, 2005
WARNING: Ted Ahead
(Nicely glommed from Paul at It's All Downhill)
January 24, 2005
Synonym for Pavement Pizza
Last night, some friend came over and stayed for dinner.
During dinner, someone mentioned the movie 'Spaceballs' and all of us started quoting memorable lines from the movie.
The progression when something like this:
'Who are you?
'Not in here you're not!'
which then segued to this:
'What's your name?'
'Your full name!'
which in turn lead to my telling the story about having to explain the various ways to describe vomiting to my kid a couple of years back.
This in turn got us all (including my kid) trying to remember the assorted synonyms for puking.
I did a quick search on the Internet and found this gem. Here are a few of my favorites.
- be a translator for the United Nations
- bend and send
- bok choy broth
- the Brooklyn mating call
- cavitate (dry heaves)
- Chunk Chunder (and The Space Patrol)
- curl and hurl
- do some supermodel push-ups
- Dutch groceries
- eat backwards
- fire your retro rockets
- free the Tater Tots from their gastric prison
- gargle gravy
- gargle the gouda
- gorilla growl
- gork up the four food groups
- hang a food rope
- I gotta chew my fries more
I don't know what was funnier: all of us laughing at some of the more colorful synonyms on the list or my kid reading some of them.
January 10, 2005
Boxer's Endorsement for Women
Nicely glommed from Jeff at Beautiful Atrocities:
Hi, I'm Barbara Boxer. It's not easy being a woman in a man's Congress. Usually I laugh off things like partial-birth abortion & White House blowjobs, but sometimes the pressures of imaginary election fraud are just too much
That's why I take Turbo-femme®, the all-natural hormone replacement product to help women through challenging times.
Turbo-femme® is an ancient, 100% synergistic formula containing wild Mongolian dong quai, bear gallstone, Spanish Fly, tarantula venom, Ecstasy, Nutrasweet, placenta paste, bat guano, anabolic steroids, Oxycontin, homeopathic plutonium, industrial strength Prozac, & enough acid to smile through Armageddon.
Turbo-femme®: because I'm worth it.
Also available in suppositories: "Your ass will thank you!"
For men: Rush Limbaugh's Turbo-Charge® Diet Supplement
January 05, 2005
You Might Be A Liberal...
Something from Brent over at The Ville that made me chuckle man-style:
- You think that protestors outside nuclear power plants are dedicated activists, but protestors outside abortion clinics are dangerous zealots interfering with a legal activity.
- You believe that more federal regulations will make your life better.
- You believe that even though the top 20 percent of taxpayers pay 80 percent of income taxes, that the rich are not paying their âfair share.â
- You think that Rush Limbaughâs listeners are mindless âdittoheads,â but you have never doubted anything that you heard from Michael Moore.
- You believe that the network news is a better indicator of what ârealâ news is than talk radio, Internet news sites, and blogs.
- You believe that there was never, ever a problem with biased news coverage until Fox News went on the air.
- You believe that Mikhail Gorbachev deserves more credit for losing the Cold War than Ronald Reagan deserves for winning it.
- You mentally subtract 100 points from someoneâs IQ if the person speaks with a Southern accent.
- You think that Dan Rather got a raw deal.
- You think that the phrase âseparation of church and stateâ is in the Constitution.
- You pride yourself on your global awareness, global sensitivity and global outlook, but canât name your state legislator or school board representative.
- You are dedicated to helping the poor, the downtrodden and the less fortunate, but you have never given blood.
- You believe that a woman should make it on her own, without depending on her husband (except for Hillary Clinton).
- You believe that professional, working women should never be judged on their appearance (except for Katherine Harris).
- You believe that rich people should not be allowed to contribute so much money to candidates for office (except for George Soros).
- You believe that government should make a special effort to hire members of traditionally oppressed groups, such as African-Americans (except for Clarence Thomas, Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice).
- You feel a deep sense of common cause with oppressed groups, such as Hispanic immigrants (except for Cuban Americans fleeing Castro).
- You believe that a motherâs wishes for her child, especially a motherâs last, dying wish for her child, should outweigh the wishes of a father who had long before deserted his family (unless the child is named Elian Gonzalez).
- You have no problem with Hollywood movie starts flying around in private jets to give speeches on the evils of SUVs.
- You think that raising taxes will reduce the budget deficit.
- You are more concerned, more often, with the rights of convicted felons than you are with the rights of small business owners.
- You uphold a womanâs right to choose, unless a woman chooses adoption, chooses to be a stay-at-home mom, chooses to homeschool, or chooses to start a business.
- You are more concerned with Vice President Cheneyâs links to Halliburton than with Saddam Husseinâs links to international terrorism.
- You have used the phrase, âin Europe, the government pays for health care and vacation,â without irony.
- You are worried about how the French view Americans.
- You believe that nativity scenes should be banned from public view, but that anyone objecting to pornography "only has to look the other way".
- And finally, you are almost certainly a liberal if you refuse to admit that youâre a liberal, and accuse anyone of calling you a liberal of McCarthyism.
January 03, 2005
Just cause I get a severe chuckle from it.....
(Nicel glommed from Blogs of War)
December 27, 2004
I, Michelle's Robot
Michelle Malkin is giddy about having a slave robot that vacuums the floor:
Hooray! Roomba does the floor-cleaning no one else wants to do. And it won't sue you for back-pay when it breaks...What next Michelle - dancing around the house while the blender mixes your smoothies??
And if you think I'm serious about accusing Michelle of being anything other than happy over a modern convenience, you need to up the medication.
December 20, 2004
Stuff to contemplate while sitting in traffic this afternoon:
(Nicely glommed from Grouchy Old Cripple)
- If you take an Asian person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
- If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?
- When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
- Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
- Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
- If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
- If 99 is Ninety Nine and 22 is Twenty two, why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
- Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
- If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
- Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
- Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
- If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philips Screwdriver?
- Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a "whack"?
- "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
- Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
- Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you that a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
December 17, 2004
Rather Wins Accolade
Dan Rather is featured in the newest issue of Mad Magazine:
December 13, 2004
Chris Muir's on-line comic Day by Day is back!!
Good to see you again Chris!
December 06, 2004
Attention Walmart Shoppers
Preparing to get reamed tomorrow - two finals back-to-back - but I laughed my butt off at this e-mail message from my sister-in-law in Virginia:
Considering the way I'm feeling right now and knowing the sheer joy I'm going to experience this Christmas shopping season, I just might try a few of these and maybe I'll create a few of my own.
- Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.
- Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
- Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
- Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares" and see what happens.
- Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M & M's on layaway.
- Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
- Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.
- When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
- Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and pick your nose.
- While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
- Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
- In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.
- Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say "PICK ME!"
- When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
(And last, but not least!)
- Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and then yell very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"
November 29, 2004
Canadians Fight Back Liberal Hordes
Don't know where Geoff got this, but it's funny:
Canada busy sending back Bush-dodgers
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
By JOE BLUNDO
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration.
The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among leftleaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch NASCAR.
In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes ingenious ways of crossing the border.
Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers.
"If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said. Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.
"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."
November 26, 2004
Frisbee Blue-Plate Special
Here is one woman who you don't want to piss off at work:
Thank you sooooo much for just everything about waiting on you. It was a real kick to bring you go-boxes before ya even ordered and I also truly enjoyed being asked utterly STOOPID questions like: "What's in the mixed vegetables?" (/whining voice) You came closer than you'll ever know to being told, "Bacon, dog shit and cardboard, of course..."I love this part: ...frisbeed you your shit... LMAO!!
And, I hope you enjoyed every minute of your sitting there for that fuckin' HOUR after you were done as much as I enjoyed sitting on that 200 lb. bag of sugar back behind the kitchen WAITING for you to STFU and leave (damn you!) so I could get the damned tip and go home myself. Ah, the roar of the cooks and the smell of the grease... or was that "the smell of the cooks..."?
I'm just sitting here thanking GOD that y'all were my last table and not my first. I'd probably have frisbeed you your shit and left early if ya's hadda been.
I'm telling ya, if we could surcharge you dipshits for the "pain in the ass" quotient, I coulda retired after you two.
Here's hoping your flounder parm makes you repeat like a Howitzer til Christmas.
Bite my achin' ass,
Could you imagine what the court transcripts would be like if Stevie were ever to become a lawyer??
(By way of Mad William Flint of the Universal Church of Cosmic Uncertanty)
November 05, 2004
King Mikey of San Diego
Of course I am:
You are King Arthur of the Britons! You let no-one
stand in your way, you are brave and strong!
Keep searching, you'll find the grail yet!
Which Monty Python & the Holy Grail Character are you REALLY?
brought to you by Quizilla
(Nicely glommed from Joanie)
October 28, 2004
Canines for Truth
And they say dogs know when something is bad....
(Glommed from I Love Jet Noise)
October 23, 2004
Team America: World Police
I went to see Team America: World Police and laughed my butt off.
It's rated R for a reason so don't take your kids along. Or anyone that is easily offended by cussing cause there's a lot of it in this flick.
October 19, 2004
What John Really Wants
Senator John Kerry is actually one of the 'Undead' wandering the Earth.
And he wants to eat your eternal soul.
October 14, 2004
Queen of Sting
Dispite what you might think about her on a personal level, Ann Coulter sure can sling 'em:
Republicans are more simple-minded, but for some things you want to be a little less contemplative, a little less nuanced. In a war against rabid savages trying to nuke Manhattan, you want a policy more along the lines of: Kill 'em! Republicans will shoot, burn, and bury the terrorists. Kerry will give them a speech.Heh!
October 13, 2004
Been watching a little too much Farscape on the Sci Fi Channel - I'm starting to tell people to 'get frelled' a little too much....
October 12, 2004
16 Obvious Points
I really get a kick out of P.J. O'Rourke:
Putting Words in the President's Mouth
Sixteen obvious points that George W. Bush should make during the Wednesday night debate.
(1) My opponent, Massachusetts senator John Kerry--or, as I like to think of him, Teddy Kennedy with a designated driver...
(2) There are two organizations pushing for change in November--al Qaeda and the Democratic party. And they both have the same message: "We're going to fix you, America." On the whole, the terrorists have a more straightforward plan for fixing things. They're going to blow themselves up. Although, come to think of it, Howard Dean did that.
(3) Senator Kerry, what do you mean my administration "lost" 1.6 million jobs? Did Dick Cheney accidentally leave 1.6 million jobs in the Senate men's room or something? Did you find them? Have you got 1.6 million jobs that you're hiding, Senator Kerry? And if you're elected, are you going to give them back?
(4) Speaking of jobs, Senator, how come every illegal immigrant who wades the Rio is able to find one in about 10 minutes? Meanwhile, your Democratic core constituency has been unemployed for years. Are your supporters lazy, Senator Kerry? Or are they stupid? Back when Clinton was president, did your supporters think they got their jobs at Burger King because Bill was sleeping with the cow?
(5) You say health care costs are soaring? Well, I'm not the one with a personal injury lawyer on my ticket. I loved the billboards that John Edwards used to have all over North Carolina: "Y'ALL MIGHT HAVE GOT HURT AT WORK AND NOT EVEN KNOWN IT" and "FEELIN' POORLY? LEMME SUE YER DOCTOR!"
(6) Yeah, we're running a deficit. Like Democrats never did that. But at least we're borrowing the money when interest rates are low. It's the same as refinancing your home loan. Not that you'd know, Senator Kerry, since your rich wife paid off your mortgage.
(7) You say that we won the war, but we're losing the peace because Iraq is so unstable. When Iraq was stable, it attacked Israel in the 1967 and 1973 wars. It attacked Iran. It attacked Kuwait. It gassed the Kurds. It butchered the Shiites. It fostered terrorism in the Middle East. Who wants a stable Iraq?
(8) No, it turns out Saddam Hussein didn't have weapons of mass destruction. And how crazy does that make Saddam? All he had to do was tell Hans Blix, "Look anywhere you want. Look under the bed. Look beneath the couch. Look behind the toilet tank in the third presidential palace on the left, but keep your mitts off my copies of Maxim." And Saddam could have gone on dictatoring away until Donald Rumsfeld gets elected head of the World Council of Churches. But no...
(9) You say I didn't have the answers in Iraq? Well, what were the questions? Was there this bad man? Was he running a bad country? That did bad things? Did it have a lot of oil money to do bad things with? Was it going to do more bad things? If those were the questions, was the answer "more time to let international sanctions and U.N. weapons inspections do their job"? No, the answer was blow the place to bits.
(10) You say I didn't have a plan for the post-war problem of Iraq? I say we blew the place to bits--what's the problem?
(11) Yes, blowing a place to bits leaves a mess behind. But it's a mess without a military to fight aggressive wars. A mess without the facilities to develop dangerous weapons. A mess that can't systematically kill, torture, and oppress millions of its own citizens. It's a mess with a message--don't mess with us!
(12) Saddam Hussein was reduced to the Unabomber--Ted Kaczynski--a nutcase hiding in the sticks. Sure, the terrorism by his supporters is frightening. Hence, its name, "terrorism." Killing innocent people by surprise is not called "a thousand points of light." But, as frightening as terrorism is, it's the weapon of losers. The minute somebody sets off a suicide bomb, you can be sure that person doesn't have "career prospects." And no matter how horrendous a terrorist attack is, it's still conducted by losers. Winners don't need to hijack airplanes. Winners have an Air Force.
(13) You say you're going to get our friends and allies to take a bigger role in Iraq. Senator Kerry, what friends and allies? You're a sophisticated fellow. You're well-traveled and speak French. Are there some countries out there that you know about and the rest of us have never heard of?
(14) Let me tell you something, Senator Kerry. I don't blame the U.N. for not supporting me in Iraq. The world is full of loathsome governments run by criminals, thugs, and beasts. When I mentioned "regime-change," hairy little ears pricked up all over the earth. Beads of sweat broke out on low, sloping brows. Blood-stained, grasping hands began to tremble. I had to put poor Colin Powell on the phone to various hyenas in high office and have him explain that America itself needed regime-change from 1992 to 2000. And we didn't bomb the fellow responsible, and we only impeached him a little. Secretary Powell had to tell Kim Jung Il, Robert Mugabe, and Jacques Chirac to quit worrying and look at Bill Clinton and realize the fate that awaits them is a lucrative lecture tour, a best-selling book, and many willing, plump young women.
(15) Senator Kerry, you say you were in favor of threatening to use force on Saddam Hussein, but that actually using force was wrong. The technical term for this in political science is "bullshit."
(16) What are you going to do, Senator, give Saddam Hussein a mulligan and let him take his tee shot over?
P.J. O'Rourke is a contributing editor to The Weekly Standard and author of, most recently, Peace Kills.
October 08, 2004
Scary Kerry & the Death Bunny
Democratic presidential candidate John F. Kerry is resorting to scare tactics again.
Instead of simply repeating myths & rumors to scare the electorate, he's showing them the true meaning of terror: Iraqi Death Bunnies™.
Does this man have no decency!?!
October 06, 2004
Michelle Malkin highlights the 'Quote of the Night':
Unadulterated Dennis Miller on Jay Leno just minutes ago:And as Michelle would say: 'Heh!'
That's why I like Bush. He doesn't over-think it. He wakes up every morning, jumps out of bed, lands on his two feet, scratches his balls, and says, "Let's kill some f@#@$ing terrorists!"
And the crowd applauded.
October 04, 2004
New Global Test
(Nicle 'glommed' from Right Wing News)
September 29, 2004
Power Chord Babe
Apparently Maria was out partying with her girlfriends recently and was suddenly overcome with the urge to shread.
And she started out as such a nice girl.....
You Should Vote For Bush
(You May Want to Hide This From Your Left-y Blogger Friends)
(By way of The Queen of All Evil)
September 27, 2004
I know.....it's a 'myth', but this is still funny.
September 22, 2004
UCSD Research on the Cutting Edge
The Scripps Institute Neuroscience Department, working in conjunction with the UCSD Psychology department, has researched sleeping behavior, coupling habits, drug use, and alcohol consumption. In preparation for this yearâs Sun God Festival, the latter two have been singled out for further study by the Scripps Institute. Dr. Erwin Chesterfield, one of the neuroscientists involved with the project, expressed confidence that the experiment was âgonna be fuckinâ sick.â
Chesterfield continued, saying that âthe study aims to test the effects of alcohol and marijuana on students, research assistants, researchers, "Frankâs Rottweiler", a Venus fly trap, several endangered species of fish, and just about everything on the second floor of the Institute.â
Certain legal and ethical dilemmas have been raised about the planned study. âPeople are asking all sorts of questions,â noted Chesterfield, âquestions like, âIs feeding a Venus fly trap marijuana like cannibalism?â and âIs there actually such a thing as too many pop-tarts?ââ
Researchers have been frequenting psychology, cognitive science, linguistics, environmental science and visual arts courses inviting students to fill out waivers that ask such questions as, âDo you drink alcohol? During a typical week, how many drinks do you have?â and âDo you party? Precisely how hard?â
This data, along with studentsâ contact information, is being used to select a cross section from the UCSD populace to participate in the research. Students are anxiously awaiting invitations to the much anticipated study.
âIâve heard those research people are fucking crazy,â confessed Muir Sophomore Brian Nielson. âI heard the last time they studied the effects of alcohol they all ended up naked in a hot tub with some random people they picked up in Pacific Beach and this dude Frank.â
âGoddamn I wanna gather data!â added Nielson.
The Instituteâs efforts to study the effects of alcohol have met with more political resistance than their cannabis research. However, the modest school funding they began withâa $7,100 Graduate Student Association bar tab at Porterâs Pubâsoon blossomed into an endowment providing enough money for a fully stocked laboratory, plush offices, and Internet-equipped beer helmets.
Although the funding for the project has drastically increased, âitâs still not enough,â commented GSA President Eric Frechette. âThatâs why we passed a referendum to raise student fees. It is important research and we canât go doing it with Popov and Pabst.â
('Borrowed' from the UCSD MQ)
Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.
Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady leave me alone! I'm married!"
Self-induced hangover -- $100.00
Broken furniture -- $2,000.00
Breakfast -- $10.00
Saying The Right Thing While Drunk -- PRICELESS
Follow the Chain
Cat Stevens Denied Entry into U.S.
With my compliments to John Little for not freaking about me 'borrowing' his creation.
September 15, 2004
News You Can Use III
Theron Says Love Scenes Awkward
Practice, practice, practice!
Usher Leads American Music Award Nods
Well then, why not call him a 'Musician'...?
U2 Among Nominees for Rock Hall of Fame
I am!? Wow - you must really like my bass playing!
Calvin Klein Features Color
I guess the 'Black & White' Line didn't go over well last year....
Hopkins-De La Hoya recalls classic clash
Both agreed that Combat Rock was an awesome album.
Sharon Doesn't Plan to Follow 'Road Map'
And he probably won't stop & ask for directions either....
Libya Misses Payment to Bombing Victims
Well...they ARE dead, do what's the rush?
September 13, 2004
Al Gore as the Cowardly Lion
Al Gore is rumored to be checking into a new vocation - possibly Broadway:
"If I were the king of the for-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-est!"
September 10, 2004
Help from Clippy
News You Can Use II
Kerry Pitching Health Care Solutions
He better be careful or he'll put someone's eye out.
US public deserves a better debate: Kerry sister
Why would we debate about Kerry's sister?
Scientists Stumped by Dead Croakers
Isn't 'dead croakers' redundant?
Hypnosis Effective in Relieving Cancer Pain
But you end up strutting around like a chicken.....
Space Probe Fails to Deploy Chute, Slams into Earth
Earth to file lawsuit alleging pain and suffering.
Dog Walker Discovers a Penny Worth Thousands
Okay, one more time: a penny is worth a penny!!
Dean Offers Critiques, Solutions for Dems
Advice from Howard Dean? That's like taking advice from Herman Goering on effective anti-aircraft fire techniques....
September 08, 2004
Sharp, Pointy Teeth
Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld demonstrates
the attack posture of an Iraqi Death Bunny™
September 01, 2004
Coincidence? You decide.
(With my apoligizes to Bob Denver.)
August 31, 2004
News You Can Use
20-Year-Old Horse, Moose Become Pals
They're going lease a loft together in SoHo this fall.
Regulators Shut Down Phony Bedrock Bank
One person was arrested for attempting to illegally withdraw funds from his account. Mr. Flintstone will be arraigned next week in federal court.
Bog-Snorkeling Champion Claims Third Crown
The Jell-O With Lots of Whipped Cream snorkeling champion just glared during the award ceremony....
Police Catch 80 Revelers with Pants Down
I'm wondering how they were able to keep up with them...
NASA to Announce New Class of Planets
Prerequisites will be strictly enforced.
Alaska Brown Bears Gather for Salmon Feast
It's being catered...
'Indian Larry' Said Killed at Bike Show
Apparently 'Indian Clarence' didn't like being 'shown up'....
August 23, 2004
Boob Wagging the Dog
From The Drudge Report:
Janet Jackson is claiming in an upcoming interview that the Bush White House used the Iraq War to distract the American public from thinking about her boob.
Jackson is quoted as saying 'I had planned this 'accident' with Justin for months and then this stupid war came along and now all of those angst-ridden, horny teenager boys are more interested in JDAM bomb accuracy statistics instead of my boob. I'm crushed....now I'll have to show both boobs to recoup lost record sales....'
One of the younger engineers was looking at it and commented 'Oh, I get it now'.
I said 'You know what kind of circuit this is, right?'
'No' was his answer.
'But you're an electrical engineer! Okay, here's the input' pointing to the schematic on my shirt 'and any signal that's input induces another voltage across the transformer, which in turn is used to bias this transistor since it's an NPN type and--OH MY GOD I AM SUCH A GEEK!!
'Yeah, you are!' he replied and laughed.
August 20, 2004
Facing a tight economy, Ruthie & Scroff attempt to stretch their food dollar....
Sam Kinison: South Park Republican
Back in the days when I was young and was just plain crude & rude, Sam was literally an insperation to me and my Navy buddies; we'd be doing Sam's classic scream - 'Ohh! Ohhhhhhhhh!' at the drop of a hat.
John brings up some of Sam's more poignent bits and shows that they're applicable to some of today's socio-economic problems:
Sam Kinison has always been my favorite stand-up comedian. While he was vulgar, grossly obscene, shockingly cruel, sometimes blasphemous, & outrageously offensive, he was also wickedly funny and delighted in skewering politically correct targets that few other people had the guts to take on.Rest in Peace Sam. Your humor is missed by many.
While Kinison is certainly no role model and would surely offend -- well, just about everybody on both sides of the political spectrum -- I wanted to share a little bit of his humor with you because I find Kinison funny for many of the same reasons that I enjoy South Park (Of course, South Park is still running and Kinison died back in 1992, so a lot of you probably aren't all that familiar with his work).
So here are some snippets from some of Kinison's bits that you may find funny, provocative, outrageous, and even offensive. But, I'm going to post them and let you make up your own mind. There's certainly nothing here worse than you'll see on the average episode of South Park...
Sam Kinison on world hunger...
You want to help these people? Stop sending them food. Don't send these people another bite, folks. You want to send them something, you want to help these people? Send them U-Hauls, send them luggage, send them someone like me, I'll walk out there..send a guy who'll go,
'Hey, we just drove 700 miles with your food and it occurred to us that there wouldn't be world hunger, if you people would LIVE WHERE THE FOOD IS! YOU LIVE IN A F*CKING DESERT! YOU LIVE IN A F*CKING DESERT! NOTHING GROWS OUT HERE! NOTHING'S GONNA GROW HERE! YOU SEE THIS? HUH? THIS IS SAND. YEAH. DID YOU KNOW NOTHING CAN GROW IN THIS SH*T? HERE, EAT SOME OF IT, TASTE IT. KNOW WHAT IT'S GONNA BE A HUNDRED YEARS FROM NOW? IT'S GONNA BE SAND! YOU LIVE IN A F*CKING DESERT! GET YOUR KIDS, GET YOUR SH*T, WE'LL MAKE ONE TRIP, WE'LL TAKE YOU TO WHERE THE FOOD IS! WE HAVE DESERTS IN AMERICA -- WE JUST DON'T LIVE IN THEM, @SSHOLES!"
Sam Kinison on bombing Libya...
Ever since we bombed Libya ya know, I'm just in that f*cking tear everything up mood. Blast 'em. That was just too cool man, American bombers going in going "Where's the baby's room?" *** BOOM *** "Where do you keep the little girl"? (Explosion sound).
We did out job, we only f*cked up one place, we "accidentally" dropped a bomb on the French embassy. (Crowd "AWWWWWWW"). Sorry about that, I'm sure would have been a little better if we had more f*cking sleep. Thanks for those extra 6500 air miles you f*ckheads, build a new house!
We're not f*cking around anymore, it's time to be the tough guy. This is America Godd@mnit, Reagan's President and Clint Eastwood has his own police force.
Sam Kinison on homelessness...
You give 'em the test. You sit 'em down and you go "Eh, you got any job skills, any career training? Any type of talent for anything that'll help you get a job?"
"Do you have any loved ones, do you have any friends, someone who'll love you enough to take you in, help you get back on your feet, help you fight back?"
"Is there anything left inside of you as a man that wants to get on his two feet and do something to change his world?"
*** BOOM *** I swear to God, the guy behind him is going to go,
"Woah, woah, woah, My God, you're shooting the homeless!....Ok, I'm homeless, I don't have a job. I may have set my career goals a little too high. All right, all right. I was holding out for an executive position. That doesn't look like it's going to happen. Give me a couple of hours, I'll get a paper route, I'll get something. I'll get a job where I take the carts back to the grocery store, don't shoot me!"
The homeless will disapear, that'll be one less problem for America.
August 18, 2004
Asshatted Clown in Two Mediums
Here's something I learned today: Margaret Cho has a blog.
Here's something I suspected: she's an asshatted clown in the blogsphere as well as the meatsphere:
They Turned off the Mic After about 10 mins. my mic was turned off and the band, comprised of Asian, African-American, and Latino musicians, was hurried on to the stage. They passed me, looking apologetic. "We wish we didn't have to do this," they all said with their eyes as they launched in to a rousing rendition of "Sweet Home Alabama."Obviously Margaret isn't up-to-speed on the concept of Free Speech: speaking your mind is free - the medium in which you speak it is subject to the whims of others.
Using Lynyrd Skynyrd as a way to ethnically cleanse the stage after I was [unconstitutionally] censored was the most offensive.
August 16, 2004
Suicide Bomber Barbie Idea Rejected by Mattel
Barbie screams 'Allah Ahkbar!!' when the detonator is activated
Darn it - I was planning on getting my kid one of these:
Mattel Rejects Suicide Bomber Barbie
EL SEGUNDO, Ca â In a not-so-surprising move, Mattel executives unanimously rejected their marketing departmentâs latest submission: Suicide Bomber Barbie. âThis would surely become a political hot-potato,â explained June Cabrini, Executive Production Manager, âand thatâs not the sort of thing Mattel wants to get involved with.â
Mattelâs Barbie line has evolved significantly since the first Barbie hit store shelves in 1959. Barbie, with her exaggerated female physique, along with companions Ken, Skipper and others, have entertained children and collectors since day one. Barbie has been everything from a mother, a tour guide, flight attendant, doctor, teacher â sheâs done it all. Barbie has kept pace with society and its view of women; specifically American women. Her accessories have changed from frivolous and domestic roles to serious career roles as societyâs views have matured.
August 13, 2004
The Horror.....the Horror
Those insideous Iraqi militants are using one of Saddam's most evil weapons: Death Bunnies™
July 30, 2004
Star Search is Calling....
(Nicely stolen from Neal at Random Nuclear Strikes)
WARNING: Asner Alert! Asner Alert! Do not drink while watching.
July 23, 2004
Know They Enemy: Black Holes
I haven't linked to him for some strange reason but none-the-less, Frank J. at IMAO always comes up with something humorous.
KNOW THY ENEMY: BLACK HOLES
Stephen Hawking has revamped the theory of black holes, finally solving the paradox that black holes seemingly destroy information.
Now I can finally sleep nights again.
So what do you do if you happen to run into a black hole? Well, I sent out my crack research staff to find out as much as they can about black holes so you can be prepared.
FUN FACTS ABOUT BLACK HOLES
- A black hole is made by the combination of "black" and "hole."
- Gravity is also involved.
- The name "black hole" is somewhat of misnomer; they're more of a dark gray.
- They say that black holes are so dense that not even light can escape them - but that's just black hole propaganda to scare you.
- Hawking now says that, instead of destroying data, a black hole will eventually spit it out in a mangled form - much like shoving a classified document down your pants and then later pulling it out again.
- Many galaxies have a massive black hole at their center, so try to stay near the edges of the galaxy to be on the safe side.
- If you think you see a black hole, don't touch it. Instead, contact the authorities. You can throw a rock at it if you feel like it.
- Just because a hole is black doesn't mean it's a "black hole." Check if the hole has a strong gravitational force that rends your atoms apart for confirmation.
- They say that once you cross the event horizon of a black hole there's no escape - but that just sounds like loser talk to me.
- Whatever is sucked into a black hole is crushed down into an infinitely small point called a singularity. You can't beat that for convenient storage.
- Black holes will suck anything into them... except for Jews because they're virulently anti-Semitic.
- If a black hole tells you its okay to come a little closer, it's a trick! You're near the event horizon!
- You can throw a penny into a black hole and make a wish, but then Greenpeace will be on your case for disturbing pristine wilderness.
- The laws of physics fall apart as one is pulled into a black hole, so, whatever you do, don't take a physics test while descending into a black hole or you'll totally fail.
- If you think you are being sucked into a black hole, stop, drop, and roll. That might help distract you from the unimaginable destruction you're about to experience.
- When you cross the event horizon (point of no return) of a black hole, you'll notice no discernable difference. Outside observers, though, will be like, "That guy is totally screwed! Let's get lunch."
- A black hole can't even be destroyed if we launched nuclear missiles at it. I don't know if anyone has tried hitting it with a hammer.
- In a fight between a black hole and Aquaman, the ways in which Aquaman would die are just too numerous to list.
- The first time a star collapsed into a black hole, God was like, "Oh man, I like must have totally screwed up my calculations somewhere." He won't admit to that now.
- If a black hole is acting like it's "all that,â flip it the bird while saying, "Collapse this into a singularity!" That'll show it.
- Hawking has dispelled the belief that black holes are a portal to another dimension. Instead, what lies in them is much less interesting: cyborg alien ninjas who will kick you in the head for all eternity. And free ice cream.
- One day I hope to harness the power of black holes to suck into them all the people I disagree with. Some might say this will end political discussion, but I never liked political discussion - that's why I'm talking about black holes.
- Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.