KNOW THY ENEMY: BLACK HOLES

Stephen Hawking has revamped the theory of black holes, finally solving the paradox that black holes seemingly destroy information.

Now I can finally sleep nights again.

So what do you do if you happen to run into a black hole? Well, I sent out my crack research staff to find out as much as they can about black holes so you can be prepared.

FUN FACTS ABOUT BLACK HOLES

• A black hole is made by the combination of "black" and "hole."

• Gravity is also involved.

• The name "black hole" is somewhat of misnomer; they're more of a dark gray.

• They say that black holes are so dense that not even light can escape them - but that's just black hole propaganda to scare you.

• Hawking now says that, instead of destroying data, a black hole will eventually spit it out in a mangled form - much like shoving a classified document down your pants and then later pulling it out again.

• Many galaxies have a massive black hole at their center, so try to stay near the edges of the galaxy to be on the safe side.

• If you think you see a black hole, don't touch it. Instead, contact the authorities. You can throw a rock at it if you feel like it.

• Just because a hole is black doesn't mean it's a "black hole." Check if the hole has a strong gravitational force that rends your atoms apart for confirmation.

• They say that once you cross the event horizon of a black hole there's no escape - but that just sounds like loser talk to me.

• Whatever is sucked into a black hole is crushed down into an infinitely small point called a singularity. You can't beat that for convenient storage.

• Black holes will suck anything into them... except for Jews because they're virulently anti-Semitic.

• If a black hole tells you its okay to come a little closer, it's a trick! You're near the event horizon!

• You can throw a penny into a black hole and make a wish, but then Greenpeace will be on your case for disturbing pristine wilderness.

• The laws of physics fall apart as one is pulled into a black hole, so, whatever you do, don't take a physics test while descending into a black hole or you'll totally fail.

• If you think you are being sucked into a black hole, stop, drop, and roll. That might help distract you from the unimaginable destruction you're about to experience.

• When you cross the event horizon (point of no return) of a black hole, you'll notice no discernable difference. Outside observers, though, will be like, "That guy is totally screwed! Let's get lunch."

• A black hole can't even be destroyed if we launched nuclear missiles at it. I don't know if anyone has tried hitting it with a hammer.

• In a fight between a black hole and Aquaman, the ways in which Aquaman would die are just too numerous to list.

• The first time a star collapsed into a black hole, God was like, "Oh man, I like must have totally screwed up my calculations somewhere." He won't admit to that now.

• If a black hole is acting like it's "all that,” flip it the bird while saying, "Collapse this into a singularity!" That'll show it.

• Hawking has dispelled the belief that black holes are a portal to another dimension. Instead, what lies in them is much less interesting: cyborg alien ninjas who will kick you in the head for all eternity. And free ice cream.

• One day I hope to harness the power of black holes to suck into them all the people I disagree with. Some might say this will end political discussion, but I never liked political discussion - that's why I'm talking about black holes.